Demetri Martin - Quotes

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I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. ---->>>

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. ---->>>

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.' ---->>>

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!' ---->>>

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. ---->>>

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. ---->>>

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. ---->>>

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. ---->>>

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' ---->>>

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. ---->>>

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. ---->>>

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. ---->>>

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' ---->>>

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'. ---->>>

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. ---->>>

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I never set out to do a sketch show. ---->>>

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that. ---->>>

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' ---->>>

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' ---->>>

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. ---->>>

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. ---->>>

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. ---->>>

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there. ---->>>

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done. ---->>>

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. ---->>>

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. ---->>>

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. ---->>>

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. ---->>>

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. ---->>>

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. ---->>>

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. ---->>>

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. ---->>>

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. ---->>>

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. ---->>>

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. ---->>>

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. ---->>>

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up. ---->>>

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. ---->>>

I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line. ---->>>

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. ---->>>

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. ---->>>

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes. ---->>>

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. ---->>>

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out. ---->>>

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me. ---->>>

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me. ---->>>

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that. ---->>>

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade. ---->>>

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. ---->>>

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. ---->>>

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. ---->>>

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. ---->>>

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. ---->>>

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. ---->>>

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie. ---->>>

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. ---->>>

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. ---->>>

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. ---->>>

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

To me, comedy is a game. ---->>>

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it. ---->>>

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. ---->>>

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. ---->>>

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. ---->>>

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. ---->>>

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress. ---->>>

People only have so much attention.

People only have so much attention.

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. ---->>>

Biography

Nationality: American
Born: 05-25, 1973
Birthplace: in New York City, The United States
Die:
Occupation: Comedian

Demetri Evan Martin (born May 25, 1973) is an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being a contributor on The Daily Show, and his Comedy Central show Important Things with Demetri Martin.(wikipedia)