George Carlin - Quotes

There are 53 quotes by George Carlin at 95quotes.com. Find your favorite quotations and top quotes by George Carlin from this hand-picked collection about time, death. Feel free to share these quotes and sayings on Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr & Twitter or any of your favorite social networking sites.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ---->>>

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ---->>>

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. ---->>>

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. ---->>>

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. ---->>>

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. ---->>>

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. ---->>>

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. ---->>>

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. ---->>>

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? ---->>>

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. ---->>>

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. ---->>>

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. ---->>>

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. ---->>>

Always do whatever's next.

Always do whatever's next.

The status quo sucks.

The status quo sucks.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. ---->>>

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. ---->>>

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? ---->>>

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. ---->>>

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. ---->>>

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. ---->>>

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. ---->>>

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? ---->>>

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. ---->>>

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. ---->>>

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. ---->>>

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. ---->>>

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. ---->>>

Think off-center.

Think off-center.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. ---->>>

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. ---->>>

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. ---->>>

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. ---->>>

Religion is just mind control.

Religion is just mind control.

Biography

Nationality: American
Born: 05-12, 1937
Birthplace: in New York, New York, The United States
Die: 06-22, 2008
Occupation: Comedian

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author and social critic. He was noted for his black comedy and thoughts on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. Carlin and his "seven dirty words" comedy routine were central to the 1978 U (wikipedia)