Groucho Marx - Quotes

There are 70 quotes by Groucho Marx at 95quotes.com. Find your favorite quotations and top quotes by Groucho Marx from this hand-picked collection about life, time, women. Feel free to share these quotes and sayings on Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr & Twitter or any of your favorite social networking sites.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. ---->>>

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. ---->>>

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. ---->>>

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. ---->>>

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. ---->>>

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. ---->>>

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. ---->>>

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ---->>>

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. ---->>>

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. ---->>>

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. ---->>>

Humor is reason gone mad.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. ---->>>

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. ---->>>

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Before I speak, I have something important to say. ---->>>

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. ---->>>

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ---->>>

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. ---->>>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? ---->>>

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. ---->>>

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. ---->>>

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. ---->>>

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. ---->>>

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. ---->>>

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. ---->>>

Women should be obscene and not heard. ---->>>

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. ---->>>

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. ---->>>

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. ---->>>

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. ---->>>

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. ---->>>

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. ---->>>

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? ---->>>

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. ---->>>

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. ---->>>

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! ---->>>

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. ---->>>

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. ---->>>

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. ---->>>

Go, and never darken my towels again. ---->>>

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. ---->>>

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. ---->>>

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. ---->>>

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. ---->>>

Biography

Nationality: American
Born: October 2, 1895
Birthplace: in New York , New York, The United States
Die: 08-19, 1977
Occupation: Comedian
Website:

Julius Henry Marx (October 2, 1890 – August 19, 1977), known professionally as Groucho Marx (), was an American writer, comedian, stage, film and television star. He was known as a master of quick wit and is widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era. His rapid-fire, often impromptu delivery of innuendo-laden patter earned him many admirers and imitators (wikipedia)