Henny Youngman - Quotes

There are 49 quotes by Henny Youngman at 95quotes.com. Find your favorite quotations and top quotes by Henny Youngman from this hand-picked collection about love, time, marriage. Feel free to share these quotes and sayings on Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr & Twitter or any of your favorite social networking sites.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. ---->>>

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ---->>>

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. ---->>>

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. ---->>>

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. ---->>>

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! ---->>>

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. ---->>>

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. ---->>>

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. ---->>>

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. ---->>>

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' ---->>>

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. ---->>>

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. ---->>>

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. ---->>>

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. ---->>>

Take my wife... Please! ---->>>

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. ---->>>

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. ---->>>

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. ---->>>

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. ---->>>

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! ---->>>

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. ---->>>

She has a wash and wear bridal gown. ---->>>

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. ---->>>

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. ---->>>

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. ---->>>

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Biography

Nationality: American
Born: 03-16, 1906
Birthplace: in Liverpool, England, The United Kingdom
Die: 02-24, 1998
Occupation: Comedian
Website:

Henry "Henny" Youngman (original Yiddish surname Yungman; 16 March 1906 – 24 February 1998) was an American comedian and violinist famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". His best known one-liner was "Take my wife ... please". In a time when many comedians told elaborate anecdotes, Youngman's routine consisted of telling simple one-liner jokes, occasionally with interludes of violin playing (wikipedia)