Jay London - Quotes

There are 35 quotes by Jay London at 95quotes.com. Find your favorite quotations and top quotes by Jay London from this hand-picked collection . Feel free to share these quotes and sayings on Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr & Twitter or any of your favorite social networking sites.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me. ---->>>

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world. ---->>>

I saw a stationery store move.

I saw a stationery store move.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness. ---->>>

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese. ---->>>

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults. ---->>>

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm. ---->>>

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else. ---->>>

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road. ---->>>

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

You know what burns me? Matches. ---->>>

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock. ---->>>

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling. ---->>>

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride. ---->>>

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger. ---->>>

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it. ---->>>

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out. ---->>>

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you? ---->>>

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless. ---->>>

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings. ---->>>

Do you know it was a year a ago today? ---->>>

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody. ---->>>

People read me but they don't subscribe. ---->>>

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time. ---->>>

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow. ---->>>

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked. ---->>>

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough. ---->>>

I was born nine months premature. ---->>>

Does anybody know what I'm doing up here? ---->>>

I model irregular clothing. ---->>>

Biography

Nationality: American
Born: 09-12, 1966
Birthplace:
Die:
Occupation: Comedian
Website:

Jay London (born September 12, 1966) is an American stand-up comic, whose one-liner jokes made him a favorite on NBC's Last Comic Standing. Although he did not win either of the two seasons in which he appeared (Seasons 2 and 3, both in 2004), his humble personality and clean comedy made him a favorite among the show's fans (wikipedia)