Joan Rivers - Quotes

There are 132 quotes by Joan Rivers at 95quotes.com. Find your favorite quotations and top quotes by Joan Rivers from this hand-picked collection about love, life, god, time, business, hate, night, sex. Feel free to share these quotes and sayings on Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr & Twitter or any of your favorite social networking sites.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. ---->>>

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

Never floss with a stranger.

Never floss with a stranger.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. ---->>>

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. ---->>>

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. ---->>>

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you. ---->>>

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. ---->>>

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials. ---->>>

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened. ---->>>

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on. ---->>>

My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes. ---->>>

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. ---->>>

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. ---->>>

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. ---->>>

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care. ---->>>

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life. ---->>>

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. ---->>>

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. ---->>>

I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool. ---->>>

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us. ---->>>

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened. ---->>>

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl. ---->>>

I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him. ---->>>

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny. ---->>>

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. ---->>>

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. ---->>>

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'. ---->>>

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. ---->>>

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day. ---->>>

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. ---->>>

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who. ---->>>

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. ---->>>

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. ---->>>

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. ---->>>

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage. ---->>>

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress. ---->>>

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. ---->>>

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work. ---->>>

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. ---->>>

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. ---->>>

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. ---->>>

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house. ---->>>

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show. ---->>>

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences. ---->>>

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top. ---->>>

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage. ---->>>

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

I am furious about everything. ---->>>

Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job. ---->>>

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black. ---->>>

I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar. ---->>>

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. ---->>>

I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote. ---->>>

I love the Internet, and I love that you can say whatever you want. ---->>>

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party. ---->>>

I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives. ---->>>

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me. ---->>>

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you. ---->>>

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent. ---->>>

I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth. ---->>>

I love Katy Perry! She's very charming. ---->>>

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool. ---->>>

I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it. ---->>>

My audiences get younger all the time. ---->>>

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too. ---->>>

You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite. ---->>>

Every television show you go on is a choice. ---->>>

I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge! ---->>>

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her. ---->>>

I was not an attractive child. ---->>>

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne. ---->>>

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her. ---->>>

When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from. ---->>>

When you whisper about something, it's too big, and you can't get it under control and take control of it. ---->>>

Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them. ---->>>

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning. ---->>>

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented. ---->>>

I was a Brownie Scout mother. ---->>>

I'm a New York girl. I come out of New York theater. ---->>>

I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing. ---->>>

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting. ---->>>

It's feast or famine in showbiz.

It's feast or famine in showbiz.

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off. ---->>>

What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me. ---->>>

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be. ---->>>

I hate reality shows that are not reality. ---->>>

I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It's just fun. ---->>>

I will work as hard as I do because I love it. ---->>>

I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up. ---->>>

I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well, lived very well. ---->>>

It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride. ---->>>

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.

Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business. ---->>>

I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew? ---->>>

I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up. ---->>>

Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? Nobody's interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me. ---->>>

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible. ---->>>

Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do. ---->>>

All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously. ---->>>

Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I. ---->>>

You hear things about certain people. When you hear someone was mean to a limo driver or a wardrobe lady, or someone was rotten to a fan, somewhere in your brain it gets stuck. ---->>>

I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm the one who says, 'The emperor has no clothes.' ---->>>

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'. ---->>>

Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it. ---->>>

Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive. ---->>>

Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you. ---->>>

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.

I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party. ---->>>

I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny. ---->>>

I just love acting. ---->>>

Life does not measure up to performing... Performing is perfect. ---->>>

When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends. ---->>>

I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit. ---->>>

Biography

Nationality: American
Born: 06-08, 1933
Birthplace: in Brooklyn, New York, The United States
Die: 09-04, 2014
Occupation: Comedian

Joan Alexandra Molinsky (June 8, 1933 – September 4, 2014), widely known as Joan Rivers, was an American comedian, actress, voice actress, writer, producer, and television host noted for her often controversial comedic persona—alternatingly self-deprecating or sharply acerbic, especially toward celebrities and politicians (wikipedia)