Mark Twain - Quotes

There are 210 quotes by Mark Twain at 95quotes.com. Find your favorite quotations and top quotes by Mark Twain from this hand-picked collection about life, success, god, time, death, money, health, truth, education, humor. Feel free to share these quotes and sayings on Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr & Twitter or any of your favorite social networking sites.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. ---->>>

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. ---->>>

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. ---->>>

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. ---->>>

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded. ---->>>

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? ---->>>

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.

If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. ---->>>

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. ---->>>

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. ---->>>

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable. ---->>>

What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself. ---->>>

I never smoke to excess - that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.

I never smoke to excess - that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

Don't let schooling interfere with your education. ---->>>

Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.

Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.

Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. ---->>>

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. ---->>>

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old. ---->>>

Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake. ---->>>

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. ---->>>

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. ---->>>

There are lies, damned lies and statistics. ---->>>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. ---->>>

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. ---->>>

The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter - 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning. ---->>>

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold. ---->>>

A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. ---->>>

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. ---->>>

The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become. ---->>>

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

We have the best government that money can buy.

We have the best government that money can buy.

Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.

Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.

Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul. ---->>>

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. ---->>>

When in doubt tell the truth.

When in doubt tell the truth.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. ---->>>

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. ---->>>

Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. ---->>>

All right, then, I'll go to hell. ---->>>

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. ---->>>

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. ---->>>

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. ---->>>

Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled. ---->>>

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand. ---->>>

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. ---->>>

Buy land, they're not making it anymore. ---->>>

Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.

Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation. ---->>>

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.

When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn. ---->>>

Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.

Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.

The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives. ---->>>

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. ---->>>

The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word. ---->>>

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. ---->>>

A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read. ---->>>

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce. ---->>>

Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to. ---->>>

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so. ---->>>

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin. ---->>>

There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress. ---->>>

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written. ---->>>

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. ---->>>

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. ---->>>

I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping. ---->>>

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. ---->>>

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. ---->>>

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. ---->>>

She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot. ---->>>

If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat. ---->>>

The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it. ---->>>

The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.

The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. ---->>>

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. ---->>>

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way. ---->>>

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. ---->>>

It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions. ---->>>

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. ---->>>

All emotion is involuntary when genuine. ---->>>

Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired. ---->>>

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

I never let schooling interfere with my education. ---->>>

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. ---->>>

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. ---->>>

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. ---->>>

A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape. ---->>>

I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.

I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little. ---->>>

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. ---->>>

There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce. ---->>>

Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned. ---->>>

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. ---->>>

I've never let my school interfere with my education.

I've never let my school interfere with my education.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand. ---->>>

Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. ---->>>

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read. ---->>>

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water. ---->>>

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough. ---->>>

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble. ---->>>

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own. ---->>>

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.

George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie. ---->>>

Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish. ---->>>

I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way. ---->>>

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. ---->>>

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so. ---->>>

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. ---->>>

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.' ---->>>

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

It is easier to stay out than get out. ---->>>

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. ---->>>

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. ---->>>

We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world. ---->>>

Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream. ---->>>

Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks. ---->>>

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. ---->>>

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.

Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel. ---->>>

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races. ---->>>

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. ---->>>

Better a broken promise than none at all. ---->>>

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. ---->>>

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. ---->>>

It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected. ---->>>

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. ---->>>

Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied. ---->>>

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident. ---->>>

Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all. ---->>>

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. ---->>>

Prosperity is the best protector of principle. ---->>>

The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all. ---->>>

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins. ---->>>

The Public is merely a multiplied 'me.' ---->>>

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession. ---->>>

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. ---->>>

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. ---->>>

We are all alike, on the inside. ---->>>

To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal. ---->>>

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. ---->>>

He is now rising from affluence to poverty. ---->>>

How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before. ---->>>

Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean. ---->>>

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Biography

Nationality: American
Born: November 30, 1835
Birthplace:
Die: 04-21, 1910
Occupation: Author
Website:

Samuel Langhorne Clemens (November 30, 1835 – April 21, 1910), better known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American writer, humorist, entrepreneur, publisher, and lecturer. Among his novels are The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (1876) and its sequel, the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1885), the latter often called "The Great American Novel" (wikipedia)