Mitch Hedberg - Quotes

There are 59 quotes by Mitch Hedberg at 95quotes.com. Find your favorite quotations and top quotes by Mitch Hedberg from this hand-picked collection about time. Feel free to share these quotes and sayings on Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr & Twitter or any of your favorite social networking sites.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. ---->>>

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. ---->>>

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? ---->>>

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. ---->>>

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. ---->>>

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' ---->>>

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. ---->>>

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. ---->>>

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. ---->>>

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. ---->>>

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. ---->>>

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. ---->>>

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. ---->>>

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' ---->>>

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. ---->>>

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. ---->>>

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. ---->>>

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. ---->>>

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. ---->>>

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. ---->>>

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. ---->>>

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. ---->>>

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. ---->>>

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. ---->>>

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. ---->>>

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. ---->>>

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. ---->>>

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. ---->>>

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. ---->>>

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. ---->>>

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. ---->>>

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. ---->>>

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. ---->>>

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. ---->>>

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. ---->>>

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. ---->>>

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. ---->>>

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. ---->>>

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. ---->>>

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? ---->>>

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. ---->>>

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. ---->>>

Biography

Nationality: American
Born: 02-24, 1968
Birthplace: Saint Paul, Minnesota, United States
Die: 03-30, 2005
Occupation: Comedian

Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs. Hedberg's comedy and onstage persona gained him a cult following, with audience members sometimes shouting out the punchlines to his jokes before he could finish them (wikipedia)