Phyllis Diller - Quotes

There are 43 quotes by Phyllis Diller at 95quotes.com. Find your favorite quotations and top quotes by Phyllis Diller from this hand-picked collection . Feel free to share these quotes and sayings on Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr & Twitter or any of your favorite social networking sites.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. ---->>>

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. ---->>>

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. ---->>>

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. ---->>>

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. ---->>>

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' ---->>>

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. ---->>>

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. ---->>>

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. ---->>>

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. ---->>>

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. ---->>>

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. ---->>>

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. ---->>>

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life. ---->>>

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. ---->>>

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. ---->>>

My father used to call me the laughing hyena. ---->>>

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. ---->>>

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. ---->>>

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. ---->>>

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. ---->>>

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? ---->>>

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. ---->>>

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are. ---->>>

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. ---->>>

Biography

Nationality: American
Born: 07-17, 1917
Birthplace: in Lima, Ohio, The United States
Die: 08-20, 2012
Occupation: Comedian
Website:

Phyllis Ada Driver (July 17, 1917 – August 20, 2012), better known as Phyllis Diller, was an American actress and stand-up comedienne, best known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, her wild hair and clothes, and her exaggerated, cackling laugh. Diller was a groundbreaking stand-up comic—one of the first female comics to become a household name in the U (wikipedia)