Rodney Dangerfield - Quotes

There are 56 quotes by Rodney Dangerfield at 95quotes.com. Find your favorite quotations and top quotes by Rodney Dangerfield from this hand-picked collection about life, time, marriage, night. Feel free to share these quotes and sayings on Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr & Twitter or any of your favorite social networking sites.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. ---->>>

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. ---->>>

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. ---->>>

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. ---->>>

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. ---->>>

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. ---->>>

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. ---->>>

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. ---->>>

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. ---->>>

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' ---->>>

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. ---->>>

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. ---->>>

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. ---->>>

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. ---->>>

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. ---->>>

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. ---->>>

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. ---->>>

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. ---->>>

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! ---->>>

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. ---->>>

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. ---->>>

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. ---->>>

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. ---->>>

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. ---->>>

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. ---->>>

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. ---->>>

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. ---->>>

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. ---->>>

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. ---->>>

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. ---->>>

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. ---->>>

Biography

Nationality: American
Born: 11-22, 1921
Birthplace: in Babylon, New York, The United States
Die: 10-05, 2004
Occupation: Comedian

Rodney Dangerfield (born Jacob Cohen, November 22, 1921 – October 5, 2004) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer and screenwriter known for the catchphrase "I don't get no respect!" and his monologues on that theme. He is also remembered for his 1980s film roles, especially in Easy Money, Caddyshack, and Back to School (wikipedia)