W. C. Fields - Quotes

There are 65 quotes by W. C. Fields at 95quotes.com. Find your favorite quotations and top quotes by W. C. Fields from this hand-picked collection about life, food, women. Feel free to share these quotes and sayings on Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr & Twitter or any of your favorite social networking sites.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. ---->>>

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. ---->>>

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. ---->>>

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. ---->>>

I like children - fried.

I like children - fried.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. ---->>>

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. ---->>>

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. ---->>>

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. ---->>>

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. ---->>>

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. ---->>>

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. ---->>>

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. ---->>>

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. ---->>>

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. ---->>>

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. ---->>>

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. ---->>>

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. ---->>>

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. ---->>>

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. ---->>>

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. ---->>>

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. ---->>>

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. ---->>>

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. ---->>>

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. ---->>>

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. ---->>>

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. ---->>>

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

I must have a drink of breakfast. ---->>>

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. ---->>>

Never give a sucker an even break.

Never give a sucker an even break.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. ---->>>

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. ---->>>

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

I never met a kid I liked. ---->>>

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. ---->>>

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. ---->>>

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. ---->>>

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. ---->>>

I drink therefore I am. ---->>>

Biography

Nationality: American
Born: January 29, 1880
Birthplace: Darby, Pennsylvania, U.S.
Die: 12-25, 1946
Occupation: Comedian
Website:

William Claude Dukenfield (January 29, 1880 – December 25, 1946), better known as W. C. Fields, was an American comedian, actor, juggler and writer. Fields' comic persona was a misanthropic and hard-drinking egotist, who remained a sympathetic character despite his snarling contempt for dogs and children (wikipedia)