Woody Allen - Quotes

There are 76 quotes by Woody Allen at 95quotes.com. Find your favorite quotations and top quotes by Woody Allen from this hand-picked collection about life, god, nature, food, death. Feel free to share these quotes and sayings on Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr & Twitter or any of your favorite social networking sites.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. ---->>>

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. ---->>>

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. ---->>>

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. ---->>>

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance. ---->>>

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. ---->>>

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? ---->>>

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. ---->>>

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ---->>>

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. ---->>>

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. ---->>>

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. ---->>>

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. ---->>>

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. ---->>>

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. ---->>>

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. ---->>>

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. ---->>>

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. ---->>>

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. ---->>>

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. ---->>>

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. ---->>>

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. ---->>>

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . ---->>>

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. ---->>>

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. ---->>>

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. ---->>>

I am two with nature.

I am two with nature.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. ---->>>

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. ---->>>

Marriage is the death of hope.

Marriage is the death of hope.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. ---->>>

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. ---->>>

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. ---->>>

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. ---->>>

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. ---->>>

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. ---->>>

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. ---->>>

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. ---->>>

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. ---->>>

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. ---->>>

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. ---->>>

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. ---->>>

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. ---->>>

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? ---->>>

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. ---->>>

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there. ---->>>

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. ---->>>

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. ---->>>

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. ---->>>

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. ---->>>

Biography

Nationality: American
Born: 12-01, 1935
Birthplace: Brooklyn, New York, U.S.
Die:
Occupation: Director

Heywood "Woody" Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg; December 1, 1935) is an American director, writer, actor, comedian, playwright, and musician whose career spans more than six decades. He worked as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces (wikipedia)